Diary of a failed anorexic

[...] So when I started writing this blog, I was initially trying to list the pros and cons of a zombie apocalypse. As it turns out, the only thing I could come up with as a pro was that the economy would [...]

[...] : How much to take me to my apartment (which isn’t very far, by the way) Tow Truck Guy: $100 cash. $145 if It’s a check. Me: Apparently, you planned on raping me anyway. And I [...]

[...] for my health) sometimes I stop there on my way home. Until a few months ago when the sassy drive through man started asking for my number every time I went through. Let me pause here and tell you [...]

[...] . I use it to update my Facebook status to “Drizzunk at Tizzaco Bell” when I’m drunk at Taco Bell. I’ve even used it to attempt to drunkenly extort Emeril Lagasse for $5 million. Fig. 1. [...]

[...] assaulted by a blind guy on a date. I'm the person who invents fake coworkers when visiting a Taco Bell drive through so I don't have to tell the drive through guy that I don't want to give him my [...]

[...] specific types of men who are interested in me. And because of that, I had to banish myself from Taco Bell and invent a fake person to carry out conveniently-timed conversations with in case I'm not [...]

[...] terrible thing anyone could ever do, ever, here are the four worst things about being fat. 1. Skinny Jeans I'm not talking about skinny jeans that come in a size 0.  I'm not even talking about skinny [...]

[...] , if you’re not thinking of his character from It’s Always Sunny, to picture him without skinny jeans and headphones and a stupid scarf of some sort. I bet if Charlie Day drove by your house, it [...]

[...] (Note-This Worst Date of All Time was such an epic Worst Date of All Time, I’m dividing it up into three entries) Part 1: So I forgot to tell you. I’m blind. [...]

Part 2: So I have this samurai sword. First off, in case you haven’t seen the first part, you can catch it here. So when we left off, Bodie, my 34 [...]

[...] version, I was out on the worst date of all time with a man named Bodie (do not let his awesome name fool you into thinking he is [...]

[...] it may be) to turn her stomach nearly 16 years later (she needs to let this one go.) Fig. 1.4 Paula Abdul was incredible. But not as incredible as my voice. These are just a handful of the things my [...]

[...] . An extra slap in the face, my iPod, which is FULL of excellent artists like Huey Lewis and Paula Abdul, was sitting on the center console where I left it. I immediately changed my mind about the [...]

[...] ” Then you turn 30 and people start saying things like “did I see you car dancing to Paula Abdul earlier?” and “where did you even find legwarmers after 1985?” and “that homeless [...]

[...] had happened (because so, so many times I’m alone in my apartment singing Kanye West or Paula Abdul. Badly.) and realized that I had threatened the life of a 30-pound basset hound while [...]

[...] to tell you. I’m blind. I was talking to a friend the other day about how I'd rather lick a homeless guy's shoe that date strangers and I think it’s time for me to tell you about the Worst Date of [...]

[...] , the catering manager, the kitchen manager, a few relatives, the concierge and some homeless guy named Jimmy we found on the Seawall. To make a long story short, the wedding ended at 11. The [...]

[...] Abdul earlier?” and “where did you even find legwarmers after 1985?” and “that homeless guy is trying to holler at you” and “oh, you’re getting a divorce? Well at least y’all  [...]